Scattered Mess...

Parenting At It's Best...

2009-05-14T13:12:00.003-04:00

The only thing this child is missing is a bottle filled with Coca-Cola and a nice shrub to piss on!

However, I will say, I'm in favor of the kid leash. I hate having the little critters crawl all over the place and smelling at my crotch when I'm at the park. Or chasing after the stray kids that may be wandering by. Plus, it makes them easier to swing over your head should the need arise.

O.K. Corral

2009-05-12T11:41:00.006-04:00

In my house as a child, there was no discussion about food, are you kidding? You ate what was put in front of you; you ate everything on your plate; and you never, ever complained. Because any child who complained or refused to eat everything on their plate go their ass beat and sent to bed, hungry. Yep...it's not the number of mouths to feed; it's the one who's howling, getting their ass paddled at the kitchen table. And, naturally, everyone else just keeps eating, pretending not to notice the huge distraction blowing snot at the other end of the table.

And so that brings me to my darling sweet JoJo who challenged me to a dual last night. Well...not so much a dual, but a flat out standoff. Allie started to join in, but quickly changed her mind and ate her dinner when she saw how serious I was. So JoJo sassed me and told me that dinner was "Gross", and went so far as to shove his plate across the table. Gross??? I pride myself on my dinners- it's not just Ramen noodles and Spaghetti O's in my house! So, it was just your basic bratty kid behavior, right? So I ordered him to sit there at the table until he finished his dinner, which of course he refused to do.
So he sat at the table. And he sat. And he sat. From time to time, I checked on his progress. At one point I even thought I was being nice by reheating the plate of dinner. Naturally, there was no progress because he had decided that he would rather spend the rest of his life at the table then to eat his dinner. It was a true Old West standoff at the OK Corral. Billy the Kid and Jesse James staring each other down. Neither refusing to budge. Mind you- this is a three year old! And inside I just kept telling myself that I can't loose to a stinkin three year old!

Hours later- he's still sitting at the table, so I asked him one last time if he was going to eat his dinner. "No, gross" was his reply and then he threw himself on the table. Yeah- not really impressed with the performance. And because I'm completely immature and just as bratty as a three year old- I made him sit there some more! I just couldn't lose. I couldn't. It was like a game of battleship and I was determined to sink him. My entire self worth depended on it!!!

In the end- he fell asleep at the frickin table! He still didn't eat one bite of his dinner. I know inside he thinks he won- but really- I claim victory. He eventually gave up his will to fight and let sleep take over. Wussy!!!!

C-R-E-E-P-Y

2009-05-05T09:53:00.006-04:00

I totally have a new stalker.

We moved offices two weeks ago and now we reside in the big building. This creepy guy, who I will now refer to as "Creeper", has been following me around. I guess that's flattering if you're into the whole lumberjack look and all.

He's always asking me creepy stalker questions like "Hi. How are you?" and "Do you know what time it is" Geez! Get off my back already!! I'm married!!!!!

I'm not used to new creepy people yet- I've barely gotten used to the regular creepy people that I work with every day!

If I don't write again for another few months it's because I've been chopped up into little bits and I was served as the lunch special in the cafeteria!!

I Think She's Ready For The Nutcracker.....

2009-03-09T10:08:00.007-04:00

What do you think?

I Know Why Parents Shake Their Kids...

2009-03-06T14:30:00.002-05:00

It's the end of a really long week and I'm about at my wits end. My kids do not listen. No- for real- THEY DO NOT LISTEN!!!! Furthermore, I am so tired of hearing "Well, I'm just gonna.....".

I tell Allie not to cut up the mail and she answers me with "Well, I'm just gonna...."
I tell JoJo not to put his cars in the toilet and he answers me with " I'm just gonna...."
I tell Allie to stop putting stickers on the front door and she tells me "Well, I'm just gonna..."
I tell JoJo to stop wiping his boogers on my TV and he tells me "Well, I'm just gonna...."

Not to mention, that Allie decided that she didn't want to have to take her medicine anymore so she threw it in the trash. The entire bottle of a brand new prescription. I had to fish around in the trash bag this morning with last nights leftovers and something else I couldn't identfy.

So I told them both that "I'm just gonna" drop them off at the nearest bus stop and hope someone else wants to kids that don't listen.

I Really Have No Excuse...

2009-03-03T21:18:00.008-05:00

Ok- I know what you're going to say and you can just save it. I really have no excuse for not posting for a couple of weeks (ha ha couple of months). I'm just totally lazy- that's all. Shut up- don't judge me.

ANYWAY- here's a couple update photos. Allie started her dance class this past weekend. I can say without a doubt- she was the cutest child in the entire class. And you know- it is really all about the outfit!

Jojo is still a complete nut. He spends the majority of his time destroying everything he touches. That's why we can't have anything nice! (I know my mom has said that one a thousand times!)

And here's a couple of pictures from the "Blizzard" we had yesterday.

So Righteous...

2008-12-02T09:21:00.005-05:00

Isn't he dreamy?

In The DNA...

2008-12-01T19:24:00.004-05:00

This one is for Schmick and Schmeth. Seems that your not the only one who has an offspring who is a train wreck with the moves.

Surprising- considering that Schmean and I are so light on our feet!

DISCLAIMER...

2008-12-01T10:38:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to note that sadly I did not make up the Survival Guide to Dumping at Work. Wish I had, but I can't possibly take credit for someone else's genious-ness!

I am passing it along to all of you as a service to you during the holiday season!

Information You Should Know...

2008-11-30T17:56:00.003-05:00

With the holidays fast approaching I thought the below information valuable to all.

Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Stormin' Normandy...

2008-11-19T16:58:00.000-05:00

Here's a good life rule to follow:

If you're 1o0 years old, you're husband is 110 years old, you can't walk well and need the assistance of a Jazzy chair for mobility- it's a safe bet that your ass doesn't belong in a boat in the heart of Disney world.

I'm not going to go into a lengthy explanation regarding the above. I believe it speaks for itself!

On another note- after my brothers wedding it was off to Disney for some R&R in the happiest place on earth. Normally, my brother Schmick is a bit anal retentive and a bit much to swallow, but I don't know if I am maturing or becoming anal retentive myself, because I much enjoyed it in Disney. I can only conclude that he studied the Epcot map in great detail the evening before our arrival. We spent 13 hours in the park and didn't miss one thing. Many things we were able to do 2-3 times. We even spent most of the day laughing and having a great time- which is absolutely unheard of when putting any number of the Jacob siblings in one area for an extended period of time.

Between Schmick, Schmeth, Schmorgan, Schmiane, Schmean and Schmyself we had a really great time in Normandy- I mean Norway!

Who Does This To A Baby?

2008-11-18T16:52:00.000-05:00

Ok- I totally took this picture on the sly during my brothers wedding ceremony. I couldn't help it- I was drawn to it.

I know people in the south are really into their pageants- but- paaaa-lease!!! I'm sure the baby is very sweet, as are the parents, but this might have missed the mark a bit.

Does anyone even know if an outfit like this is fire retardant?

There Really Is Someone for Everyone...

2008-11-17T16:34:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would be posting about my brother Andrews wedding, but hell must have really frozen over and frogs must really have wings because he got married.... to a girl!

They are both incredibly in love or incredibly stupid- but a happy couple they do make. Hey- even Forrest Gump found a mate.

But all in all- it was a really sweet- drama free- wedding. I would even go so far as to say that I had a nice time with my family- but if you ever ask me in public- I'll deny it!

I don't know that I would be this excited to marry Andrew- but to each his own!

End Of The Road...

2008-11-08T13:37:00.002-05:00

Allie and her team played their last game of the season this morning- in the rain. It was pouring, but they loved it. It will be nice to sleep in on my Saturdays!

This season was top notch for Allie. She really matured throughout the year and Mommy and Daddy even had to buy her a new bike for scoring goals this season!

The girls finished out the season 11-1!!

Spooky Treats..

2008-11-03T11:31:00.006-05:00

Costume- check

Candy- check

Lot's of tired children- double check

It's over- and everyone survived! Time to put away all of the costumes and decorations for another year.

#1

2008-10-29T23:01:00.002-04:00

Quite possibly this could be the best evening ever. Literally- the best night ever imagined in all of the universe.

Philadelphia Phillies- World Series Champions!!!!

It was only 31/2 innings, but I felt like I was going to vomit the entire time.

This should make for a very interesting wedding in two weeks. My brother (who resides in Central Florida) is getting married. The brides family our Florida natives- grooms side our Philly natives!

M.I.A.

2008-10-27T19:47:00.013-04:00

Last time I posted I said I would be better at updating- I have failed miserably- story of my life! Here are some recent highlights:

Allie scored a goal!

JoJo was an honorary stand in that day!

Allies un-defeated Team
U6 Jaguars

Apple Picking at Highland Orchards

Mommy and Jojo next to a big hay bail.

Fall Festival 2008
All dressed up for the festival.

I Know...I Suck

2008-10-02T20:15:00.004-04:00

I've been on hiatus. Although I spent some time in Florida by myself, I certainly wasn't there this long. I've been totally lazy!

I'll update everyone on my trip to Florida in my next post. It has come to my attention that some of my family members are a bit "sensitive" and cringe at the thought of me blogging about them. But then I say- if they weren't so freakin' nuts I'd have nothin to write about! My mom seems to be the most worried so I'll spare her and just say she is absolutely lovely!

Today my co-workers and I had to say goodbye to our German intern Tim. He has spent the last 7 months with us and I'd be totally lying if I said I made it easy for him. I (and the rest of my team) totally abused him and gave him all the crappy jobs that none of us "Regulatory Professionals" wanted to do. He was a good sport and I (most of all) will be sad to see him go.

Although I would never admit this in public (pst.. I know he's reading this!) I'm really going to miss him. His weird hair and skinny jeans most of all. But he was a really good sport and the best part was that he laughed at all my jokes!

Now I'm going to have to fill my own water bottle, get my own spoons and pick up my own shit off the floor. Dammit!!!

There is nothing funnier then listening to a German use American slang such as "That's how I roll" and "Chill- Lax" and my personal favorite "Bee- atch"! It's like teaching a kid dirty words and then laughing when he uses them!

C.R.A.Z.Y.

2008-09-20T20:58:00.002-04:00

I'm in Florida visiting my family. There all NUTS! They're hovering over me because their afraid I'm going to write about them on the blog. I'll just do it when I get home.

Stay tuned....

Up To My Eye Balls...

2008-09-15T21:14:00.002-04:00

Don't worry- I'm not dead.....yet!

I don't have a great excuse for not posting other then- I've been busy. Kids, work, Sean and packing. I'm heading off to Florida this week for some R&R- or something like that.

I'm supposed to be preparing a rockin' toast for my future sister-in-laws shower this weekend- but I'll save that for when I do my best work...No, not in the crapper... on the plane on the way to Florida. I work better under pressure!

Check ya!

Dinner Date...

2008-09-05T14:27:00.003-04:00

Last night the kids and I had a dinner date with friends. We went to Nifty Fifties. Umm-yeah- not so nifty! Ofcourse- my children were like little demons. They really don't know how to act anywhere. As much as I beg and plead for the to behave, they always laugh in my face and do what they want. I really understand why people beat there kids- in public. I really think it's fair game at this point. If you don't behave on an outing- the parent should have every right to beat the crap out of them!

Allie did behave for a few minutes. I was lucky enough to catch it on camera!

This is the little boy that Allie swears she is going to marry!

Labor Day...

2008-09-04T14:13:00.000-04:00

Labor Day weekend was long and gorgeous. A little warm, but no rain. We spent Sunday at Aunt Debbie's for food, swimming and badmitton. Always exciting- and no injuries!!!

Goofing around in the pool

Popsicle Power!

Grandmom organized a parad thru the middle of the game!

Washing up!

Didn't even make it to bed. Crashed on the couch.

Loser....

2008-09-03T20:32:00.004-04:00

I have been totally lame lately. I am too tired in the evening to blog my daily events. I feel like I am ripping you off. I promise I'll be much better- tomorrow.

If I could just record the audio from our daily lunches at work- I feel you would have your fill for weeks! Most of our conversations- correction- ALL of our conversations at work are completely inappropriate and just plain gross.

Today's lunch included quite a lenghtly conversation regarding the Ped-Egg and Kim's hairy feet. I know- I threw up in my mouth a little too!

Tomorrow will be much better- I am meeting a friend for dinner with the kids at Nifty Fifties. Someone is sure to throw a fit worthy of a blog entry!

Till tomorrow!

Back Track...

2008-09-03T13:25:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures that I had trouble posting this past week.

Office Olympics- Kick Ball

Office Olympics- Frozen T-Shirt Contest
Don't Ask!

Allie Dribbling At Practice

Warm Up

Hangin' With Mommy

Being A Big Ham Head!

Chill-Laxing

This Is Rare. VERY RARE!!

Big Boy With The MatchBox Cars

Listen Up Ladies...

2008-08-28T19:50:00.006-04:00

In addition to yesterday's office olympics- it was a soccer practice day. 15 four and five year old girls learning to dribble, pass and swipe. Always entertaining!

Bring It...

2008-08-27T19:30:00.001-04:00

I may be a bit competitive. Border line psycho. But I hate to lose- and I hate being on a team with loser even more. Today was our RA department picnic- complete with games. Yes!!! 7 events and the winning team gets $10 gift cards to Wawa. I don't care if it's a $10 gift card or a pot of gold- I'm fierce either way. Lucky for my team- we won. However, the other team was tough- it came down to the last event.I've been having trouble posting photos so check back soon and I'll post more photos as soon as possible.

A Few Dents In The Fender...

2008-08-26T22:21:00.005-04:00

And by fender- I mean Jojo's head. And by dent- I mean this massive egg on his forehead! Jojo took a header on a wheelchair ramp today. If he hits his head like this a few more times he's going to need the wheelchair!

Bend It Like Beckham...

2008-08-22T21:31:00.006-04:00

After a long, long wait- I am happy to tell you that soccer season has officially started! Tonight was our first practice. Allie was absolutely besider herself. She was so excited and even more so because she already knew a lot of the drills that we were doing. Aside from one crying fit during a water break it was a successful evening. And the best part was I got a babysitter for Jojo so he wasn't in the way!

It's All Lies...

2008-08-21T21:37:00.002-04:00

Today I had a doctors appointment. After many discussions with Sean, we decided (which really means I decided) to have the Mirena implant. It's an implantable birth control device which is good for 5 years. No more pills everyday- which is a good thing since I always managed to drop a few every month down the sink.

In preperation for this appointment I was told to take 3 Motrin on my way to the office because I may experience some mild discomfort. And if by mild discomfort they meant it was going to feel like they were scouring my uterus with a wire brush- then I guess 3 Motrin would be perfectly acceptable. I should have known better. Mild discomfort is like having a freakin hang nail. What I experienced was like yanking my insides out with a coat hanger!

As traumatic as it was- the procedure only took 10 minutes. The doctor then told me again that I might experience some mild discomfort for a few hours. Hell- I spent the remainder of the day actually feeling like I was in labor.

In the end- it's good for 5 years! It's worth the one day of "mild discomfort".

Dressing On The Side Please....

2008-08-19T20:49:00.003-04:00

Ok- so I'm back on the wagon again. That is the weight loss wagon. I've been doing this for so long it's ridiculous. If Weight Watchers is my rehab- then I'm a total junkie.

But this time (like every time before) is going to be different. I really should have thought about this in the beginning of the summer, but that's me- a day late and a dollar short- and in this case- a few pants sizes to big.

So for those of you who read regularly it would behoove you to throw a few "Oh my gosh- you look so thin"s my way. Or "You look fabulous." Even if it's a total lie. If I can't actually be thin- I'd rather be totally disillusioned into thinking that I am.

Thanks!

Shoot Me Now...

2008-08-18T09:51:00.000-04:00

I don't like sick kids. And I had the pleasure of dealing with a puker and pooper for the last 18 hours. I'm sure he didn't enjoy it much either.

The Longest Day Ever...

2008-08-17T19:28:00.002-04:00

Today was an absolute whirl-wind. Jam packed!

The day started off with church. Like every Sunday. Except this Sunday we had to come home before the service even started. Jojo decided to completely soak himself at the water fountain. I'm not talking a little wet on his shirt. It was sopping wet- as were his shorts- and his socks- and his sneakers. So we headed home to put him in the dryer and then we were off again to a birthday party.

I've always loved firetrucks- mostly because there's hot guys sitting on them- but I always love to see a firetruck whiz by with the siren blaring and the flag waving off the bag. So I was more excited then the kids today because the birthday party was at the Good Will Fire House.

It was so cool. The kids were able to climb all over the trucks, ring the bells, we took a tour of the firehouse. Complete with a ride around town on the truck and spraying the fire hoses.

I was then off to a baby shower for my friend Alecia who is having a little boy in October. That's the thing about baby showers- you see all the new items for baby- the little socks and little outfits and all the gear- and it makes me sad that my kids aren't babies anymore. But then I remember what a pain in the ass it was to cart all of the crap around! Not to mention that Alecia is probably the tiniest pregnant person in the world. Makes me want to punch her in the neck!

Then it was off to play with our little cousins Aidan and Connor. A little peach pickin' to finish off the day! No worries- they were peach picking in the back yard. Although- I don't see an issue with taking kids out in only a diaper!

And this is what happened next!

A Small Victory...

2008-08-16T19:11:00.003-04:00

Allie has been taking the summer off from school. Spending the days swimming and biking and drawing with chalk. So it's no surprise that she's none to interested in flash cards or anything "school-like". I've been trying anyway! We've been working on our letters and it's been a challenge to say the least. It's frustrating for Allie because she turns all of her letters around and backwards and upside down. And it's frustrating for me because I continue to correct her.

Allie has been working really hard on the letter "A" and was so proud of herself when she produced the following:

A Superhero Of Sorts...

2008-08-15T22:33:00.005-04:00

My kids are wacky. I guess they're no more wacky then other kids, but some days they do the most bizarre things. This has been a slow week and I haven't had much to blog about. Next week Allie starts soccer practice so I'm sure that will give me something to chat about.

So- Jojo is starting to really become a little boy. It must be the haircut. He's really into jumping off of the coffee table and just being plain distructive. His speech therapy is doing wonders because his vocabulary is expanding everyday. Currently, Jojo is really into Choo-per Hero's (that's how he says it!). And doesn't every good Choo-per Hero need a costume? This is what Jojo chose.

Umm yeah, that's a ladies head band!

Random Pondering...

2008-08-11T21:33:00.006-04:00

Is running with scissors really that big a deal? Putting aside one's eminent danger of impaling oneself or perhaps losing an eye- I don't see what all the hub-bub is about.

Besides- I can't remember anything that exciting as a child that I had to run over to cut. What could be so feaking amazing to cut in half that I couldn't just walk over to it and cut it? Crap- as an adult I can think of maybe one or two things that I'd like to cut in half- but none so much that I feel I need to run to the table to begin.

Just a thought.

G.N.O...

2008-08-09T22:44:00.006-04:00

Girls Night Out. Every other month my lady friends and I all get babysitters and go out for some fun and lots of WINE!!! And just like last week- when in my company- the conversation always turns a bit graphic. Although- I will say- this group of ladies is not shy and is always willing to put in their two cents! Funny- the more wine we drink the more graphic the conversation becomes!

Say It Aint So...

2008-08-08T22:28:00.007-04:00

Summer days turn into fall. Small children grow tall. And mommy's sometimes have lapses in judgement. I, the mommy, had just one of those lapses today. I know most of you will see the below and think nothing of it. But I have struggled with this decision for a really long time- and now there's no turning back.

My Kid Is A Genius...

2008-08-07T17:46:00.002-04:00

So the remote control to my bedroom TV has been missing for months. Can't imagine where it went. I looked everywhere.

As usual, Allie was in timeout this evening (it's something we like to practice just about every day. Sometimes we practice several times a day!). But anyway, Allie was in timeout and I was playing with JoJo while dinner was cooking.

I was chasing him around and he ran into the closet. He miraculously came out with a winter coat in one hand and the remote in the other. Don't ask me HOW the remote control got into the coat closet or where it was within the closet.

I can say that was the only place I didn't look for that stupid remote in the first place!

My Cup Runneth Over...With Vomit

2008-08-05T21:18:00.007-04:00

He has even less musical talent than John Tesh (if that's possible)... His television shows are unwatchable... and yet, He's one of the world's most popular stars... how has He done it?

I conclude David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist and I have the proof. How can one explain the phenomenal global success of one of this country's least talented individuals?

There are only three ways.

"The Hoff" actually is talented, but this goes unnoticed in his own country. Wait-correction- goes unnoticed in all countries with the exception of Germany, Austria and Switzerland, which only confirms that Germans, Austrians and Switzes are f**cking idiots.

"Mr. Hassle" has sold his soul to Satan in return for global success. Umm- this is assuming that he had a soul to sell and not just a hollow, over-tanned head with creepy pedophile eyes.

David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist. Enough said!

I vote for the latter -- and perhaps, the rest of the world will agree.

Full Throttle...

2008-08-03T23:04:00.007-04:00

Today was such a cool day. I took Allie to get a brand new helmet and goggles for her 4-Wheeler. We all went down to the playground down the street for some ridin' practice.

Even though she is only 4- Allie picked up the basics of quadin' pretty quickly and didn't want to get off!

Aloha...

2008-08-02T21:21:00.002-04:00

Today was a long day. A long hot day! We hit the ground runnin- eggs for breakfast, errands to run and two- that's right, Two- parties to go too. Not a surprise that the parties were on the complete opposite sides of the planet.

The first event was my nephews 6th birthday party which happened to fall on my oldest brothers birthday. He's 38. This is what 38 looks like.

Yeah- that's hot!

Naturally, the conversation centered around what it always does when in the presence of myself and my siblings- full coverage underpants, peeing in the shower, sweat in all cracks and crevices and the fact that my brother Schmick can still please his wife Schmeth (I have changed their names to protect their privacy!). I know- 6 year old birthday conversation you say?- whatever, they were way over on the other side of the yard!

Oh- best part of the day- JoJo got laid- alot!!

Our second event of the day was a little different then a 6 year old birthday, but no less entertaining. We had a BBQ with a bunch of German's- which would normally sound a bit bizarre, but if you worked in my office it would make perfect sense.

This party also had some aquatic entertainment that I was only sorry I couldn't partake in. As out of touch as I might appear to be- I am still very much aware of my size and shape and what it would look like in wet underpants, flying down a rubber slide at mock 10.

That's Right Bee-Atches!!!

2008-07-28T21:04:00.009-04:00

Dinner was fabulous- mostly because I made it! Pan seared Pork Tenderloin with a Red Wine and Shallot Reduction Sauce, Steamed Broccoli and Lightly Buttered Earachette Pasta (Little Ears). Best Part- the kids ate everything on their plates! Hey Mom- culinary school wasn't a total waste!And while I was in the kitchen doin' it up Julia Child style, the kiddies were quietly playing in the living room. I poked my head around the corner and guess what I found?

No- that's not my ass! It's crayon on my walls. Here's some more:
And here's the kicker:

Yep! That's my front door. I know what you're thinking- ALLIE! But not this time- it was sweet little JoJo. My precious little demon JoJo. I will say- he does have an eye for color. See how he blends them all together so artfully?!

But all is well- some cleanser and a sponge and it's all gone. I think we'll just keep this one from Daddy- especially since he hasn't fished the toilet paper holder out of the sink yet (that was Allie!).

Is This Mean??

2008-07-27T20:18:00.000-04:00

Ok- I think I already know the answer, but there is something so funny about filming your kid asleep on the toilet!!!

Old Glory...

2008-07-26T20:09:00.000-04:00

Today was hot. Really hot. Really, really hot! We spent several hours at the local park and they have a huge flag. I could just sit and stare at it for hours.I packed a picnic lunch that consisted of everything except for sandwiches- go figure!

A New Baby...

2008-07-25T22:17:00.009-04:00

No- not mine! My friend had her third son yesterday and Allie and I went to visit her this evening in the hospital. It amazes me every time I hold a new baby. So tiny. So innocent. And so filled with promise. Here are some pics of Allie and I and new baby Aaron!

I'd Like Something In Cotton Please....

2008-07-24T07:51:00.000-04:00

I hate going to the doctors office- mainly because I have no patience and I tend to get really bored in about 5 seconds.

No matter when you appointment is or how crowded (or not) the office is- they always make you wait atleast 15 minutes after your scheduled time. The gyno office is the worst. It's a guarantee that you won't be seen for atleast 45 minutes which is absolutely, totally annoying. But I didn't have that kind of appointment this week. So I arrived a few minutes early because I like to be punctual. (Which is a waste since I'm going to have to wait anyway!).

The magazines always suck and the office has that weird creepy quietness that wigs me out. You spend the time pretending to read Family Circle and eavesdropping on what the staff is chatting about behind the glass.

So they call me in and walk me back to the exam room. Another waste of time!!! They always dump you in the tiny interrogation room with a paper "outfit" and tell you it will only be a minute. IT'S NEVER ONLY A MINUTE!!! And I swear their watching you threw an artifully placed stupid picture of a pot of flowers. Anyway- so you have to carefully put on your paper frock because it always rips in just the right place and then carefully get up on the table so you don't rip anything else. And then the waiting begins- again. Now- it may only be a few minutes that they leave you in the room, but I swear it feels like an internity. I read the same CPR poster and drug pamphlets over and over. At least at the pediatricians office they have toys to play with. If you're going to make me wait so long, make it a challenge for me- send me out to the waiting room with toys in my paper outfit.

So as I'm sitting there waiting and waiting and waiting- I'm getting hotter and hotter and hotter. When I get hot I sweat- like any normal human. And because I'm wearing a paper outfit it gets damp. You know what happens to toilet paper when it gets wet? Yep- here I am disintegrating away in my paper outfit. So you do what's natural- you wrap it a little tighter around your body so your parts aren't showing. And then that starts to disintegrate. It's a cruel game and the doctor always walks in when you have about one shred of paper covering your boobs and your granny panties hanging out.

I wonder what the doctor is really thinking when they smile and shake your hand and ask how you are. Clearly I'm not ok if I'm folded up like origami trying to keep my paper swan suit on.

It's always the same- 45 minutes of waiting for the doctor to look at you for 30 seconds and say "Yes- that's a rash." ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME????

And to top it all off- I swear- once you get dressed and take the walk of shame back to the reception area to schedule another appointment- as soon as you walk out the door to your car they all start talking about you. Now- I've spent a lot of time in the waiting room and I've never heard the staff ever talking about anyone that left before me- but I tend to think I'm just that heinous and they are talking about me.

I know it's retarded, but it's like the nail salon when all the Vietnamese ladies start chatting in their native language and start laughing- you KNOW their talking about you!

Dinner And A Movie....

2008-07-23T18:14:00.005-04:00

Sean and I you might think- but no- Allie had a date. Allie was invited over for dinner by her good (boy) friend Nolan. They have known each other since they were infants in daycare. Allie told me just the other day that she wanted to marry him. Not that I think she has any idea of what that actually intales! If one day they do marry- they'll be quite happy. They're always kissing and hugging on eachother.
On anothr note- our central air has been out for two days now. I literally thinking I am melting alive. I don't know when I became so dependent on central air. When I grew up we didn't even have an air conditioner and I managed to survive. I can remember many a summer night laying so still in bed so I didn't break a sweat. My husband on the other hand has always had an air conditioner or central air. As soon as the outside temp hits 65 he cranks the air on. So it is no surprise that after all this time I have become addicted to nice cool air. We keep our house like a meat locker!

As I write there is a HVAC specialist here taking a look at the system. Hopefully it's not something major and we can be back up and running shortly. Here's to hoping!

Who's Your Daddy?...

2008-07-22T23:02:00.003-04:00

Hmmm- should I be worried? JoJo is quite a submissive and has taken nicely to being walked around like a puppy. YES-m the leash is actually around his neck!! I guess this isn't really a problem until he's in his 20's and wearing leather!!

Vacation Bible School...

2008-07-20T22:12:00.009-04:00

Today was the wrap up to a week of Vacation Bible School. This was Allie's first year attending and from what she tells me "Bible School is so cool!". The week was filled with Bible stories and songs. Today at church, all the kids performed the songs they learned. Allie tried her best to keep up, but it doesn't matter because she looked so darn cute!

After church (and a long nap!) we put in some pool time. My friend Harald was so kind to donate a large inflatable pool to the kids. Allie told me that it was the biggest pool she's ever had!

Me and Jenny Was Like Peas and Carrots...

2008-07-19T12:28:00.002-04:00

How cute! We had a baby shower at the church today for a friend of mine. The kids sat down to watch a video and keep out of the way. From left to right- Jeremy, Allie, Nathan and JoJo.

I love showers and hate them at the same time. It's nice to shower the new mom with gifts, but at every shower I go to, people are constantly asking me when I'm going to have more babies. Are you nuts?! Has anyone seen the uncontrollably little animals I have now?! I might as well shoot myself in the head before thinking about having another one. It's really bad when you and your husband are outnumbered- Nothing good can come from being outnumbered!

Splish, Splash...

2008-07-18T12:21:00.000-04:00

In the midst of a heat wave the kids are putting in some pool time. Today it was 98 degrees and the humidity was horrendous. The kids didn't seem to be phazed by it, but I was melting alive. Gross!

I Just Want To Be A Real Boy...

2008-07-17T20:21:00.005-04:00

I stopped by the library this evening to return some books. The kids and I hung out in the children's area for a while reading and playing puzzles. The librarian (who is about 110) came over to me and said to me "You have such beautiful daughters." I thanked her for her compliment and told her that I have one daughter and one son. She looked at me totally confused and her gaze slowly turned back towards JoJo. Then it beame clear to her and she said "Ah yes, a beautiful daughter and a beautiful son!". I can't imagine why people keep mistaking him for a girl?Not to mention- he is totally obsessed with picking his nose. Granted- I enjoy the occasional dig for treasure, but he has turned it into an olympic sport!

And just for Tim- here is a picture of my pooch Capone. He went to the Doggy Spa today to get pretty. Tim (our intern from Germany) doesn't understand why Americans are so nice to there pets. If you ask me, I don't quite understand why we're so nice to our German intern!

Bringin' The Hotness..

2008-07-15T20:29:00.005-04:00

My friend Harald sent me this photo the other day as a nice little start to my day. Many of you know my absolute disgust for "The Hassel"- so you can imagine my reaction when opening this winner.

I totally threw up in my mouth a little bit. Somebody should call Pam Anderson and her PETA friends because if this isn't cruelty to animals I don't know what is. And the hair- the wet look- who is he kidding?

Does posing naked with two small puppies qualify you to judge talent on TV? Is so, I'd much rather look at Sharon Osbourne, spread eagle on a lawn chair, posing with some nice little kitties.

Enjoy (or not!)

Cruisin...

2008-07-13T20:21:00.004-04:00

My husband is passionate about anything on wheels- cars, motorcycles, dirtbikes, 4 wheelers. You name it- he's obsessed. And it's no surprise that Allie loves everything that her daddy does. Daddy and Allie love to "cruise" the driveway!

Danica Patrick- eat your heart out!

Old McDonald...

2008-07-12T20:04:00.000-04:00

I've been to a lot of parties, but today was a first. Today was our first "Farm" birthday party. Allie's friend turned 3 today and her family celebrated on one of the last working farms in Pennsylvania- complete with hayride!

Aside from it being about 1,000 degrees and having hay in your crack- it was really fun! The kids didn't seem to mind that it was so hot. I, on the other hand, was a total Sweaty Betty. Borderline disgusting smelly lady.

And what party isn't complete with out cake and pinata!

A good time was had by all!

Ole'...

2008-07-11T21:17:00.005-04:00

Today was a good day! My co-workers and I went to lunch at a Mexican haunt that we haven't been to in quite some time. I love everything about Mexicans- the ponchos, the beer, the landscaping- (I love you Eva!) - and I especially love the quesadillas! (Also know as ques-ca-dillys!) So lunch was great- however- I always spend the rest of the day feeling like I need to give rectal birth to a Mexican baby.And this evening found the kids enjoying a summer session of milk and cookies with their twin cousins. Yum Yum!

Could you spare a square?

2008-07-10T22:39:00.003-04:00

This evening found our kitchen trash can completely overflowing. Typical. Today was trash day- and we tend to take the trash out after they have already collected. But anyway- I went to toss the bag into the outside cans. As I was approaching the can I came face to face with IT. IT is the nasty little rabid squirrel that has taken up residence in our alley. He jumped out of the can and sat on the rim and just stared me down. I literally shit myself lifeless. I practically blew my sphincter out my backside like of one those unrolling paper streamers you get at children's parties. And then he tore across the driveway with a hunk of trash and was gone.

As if that wasn’t the most exciting part of my day- it get’s better. I had to run some errands after work and took the kids with me. We did the usual Dollar Store run, quick swing threw Swiss Farms and a stop off at BJ’s. As we were walking back to the car I noticed that JoJo was chewing some gum. Gum that I didn't give him. Gum that he picked up off the parking lot and decided to chew on!! I tore it out of his mouth like a psycho of course. It even had little pieces of gravel in it from the ground. He then proceeded to shriek at that ungodly high pitch as I dragged his little butt back to the car. He kisses his mother with that mouth!

Sometimes I wonder how I got the kids I did. I’m sure my mother would tell you that I was a model child and was never a bother or a nuisance. Ummmm- yeah!

Oops!

2008-07-10T09:09:00.001-04:00

I have received lots of emails this morning that people aren't able to send me comments. And that is because I gave you the wrong instructions.

If you click the envelope at the bottom of the post it will give you the option to send the blog to someone else. You actually need to click the link next to it that says comments. There you can send me a comment and I can review it first before it's published.

Sorry- try again!

Try Before You Buy...

2008-07-09T21:16:00.004-04:00

On my ride home from work today I started thinking about all of the things I've bought and have been totally disappointed with. In a stroke of pure genious- I've decided to compile a list of things that I would've been better off trying before buying.

1. Underwear- the obvious. You have to make sure they pass the shift factor. Can't have your delicates up your crack all day.

2. Aerosol cheese- although aerosol cheese sounds like the dreamiest thing in the whole world, it is possible to get a bad batch. It makes perfect sense to try it out first.

3.Shoes- the 3 foot strut in the store with one shoe on and the other dragging along beside you because it's attached with a loop of plastic does not count as trying before you buy. Also, the stupid plastic button they poke thru the shoes so you can't steal them. Quite deceiving. Once you get the darn shoes home you find that wearing them is like walking on small shards of glass. Not cool.

4. Soy Milk- I've never had it, but it stikes me as something you'd have to try out first before spending $4.50 on half a gallon. Anything that's called "Rice Dream" doesn't sound very dreamy!
5 Body Shapers- what kind of shape are you showing off when the stupid thing rolls down into a tire around your waste. Not to mention cutting off all circulation to your legs.

6. Fat Free Milk- as if the grey color wasn't your first indication. Let me tell you- the 1% makes a huge difference.

7. Tofu- to me it takes like a kitchen sponge. Waste of money.

8. Eggbeaters- yeah there healthier then regular eggs, but you have basically handed over your money for a cardboard container of yellow snot. No thanks.

9. Hotdogs- no two hotdogs are alike. Some are juicy and some aren't. And some even have those hard white chunks of stuff that always get your gag reflex going. Also, note to all those weekend warriors. The ones that do all of their errands in a marathon session. Ummm- the hotdog stand in the Home Depot- NEVER GOOD!! Steer clear of any snack shops that pop up in BJ's, Target, Walmart, etc. - not only are you asking for trouble- you also look like a total fatty!

10. Chili in a jar- no explanation needed!

Feel free to email me your suggestions for "Try Before You Buy". I'll post the best ones tomorrow. Click the envelope at the end of this posting to send me an email.

Enjoy!!

Auto reply: I am currently out of the office.....

2008-07-08T17:33:00.005-04:00

Today I decided to take a vacation day and spend the day doing nothing. And by nothing I mean only two loads of laundry, cleaned the upstairs bathroom, and finished and entire sink of dishes! I packed a picnic lunch for the kids and I spent the rest of the afternoon at a friends house enjoying her pool. That was, of course, after the dreaded swim suit search. I hate everything about bathing suits- and all the stuff you have to shove into them. Damn the man who invented spandex and lycra!!

Jojo and Allie love the pool as well. Little fish I tell ya. Here is a video of JoJo in the pool with his beloved Teddy. I'm going to have to watch him carefully- he's not afraid of anything!

Babies First Hair Cut

2008-07-05T22:03:00.005-04:00

I finally did it. JoJo had his first hair cut today. It was painful. He's not a little baby anymore. Check out his before and after.

Before

After

You didn't really think I was going to cut all his hair off did you? No friggin way! I think in the end I might have only cut off two long strands of hair. But you know what? That's plenty!!

Not A Complete Wash

2008-07-04T21:06:00.005-04:00

What a disappointment for the Fourth of July. Rain, Rain and more rain. We had plans for a country fair, carnival rides and a fireworks display. We skipped the country fair, went to the carnival in the rain and the fireworks were cancelled. Bummer. On the plus side- there weren't any lines for the rides! As long as you didn't mind getting wet.

They closed down the carnival at 9PM because of the rain and we headed home. We made it home just as our own neighborhood was starting a fireworks display. It's so convenient- it's right at the top of our street. At least the kids got to see some fireworks and the day wasn't a complete wash!

Dog Days of Summer....

2008-07-03T22:38:00.006-04:00

I've always thought that the best part of summer was the lightning bugs. Nothing says relaxation like sitting in the back yard catching bugs and suffocating them in a coffee can. When I was a kid we used to rip the lights off the bugs and put them on our fingers like a ring. So, naturally, I spent some time this evening teaching Allie how to neuter a bug!

JoJo was so tuckered out by the end of the day that he walked into his room and pointed to his bed and said "I sleepy". Not gonna argue with that one!

Ahhh...Who Peed In The River?

2008-07-02T22:24:00.004-04:00

Ok.. so Allie and her friend Olivia were scolded this week for peeing in the pool. They were told that it is not ok to pee anywhere except on the potty. And then..... we tell them to pee in the river. A little confusing? Maybe. I'll pay for that later in therapy.

We went on an organized nature walk this evening. It was great... except for all of the nature. Bugs and little slimey things in abundance.

When most people see they have a bug on them they simply brush it off. And then there are some people who completely shreak three octives higher then their normal tone, flail their arms around like a complete reject and jump into the river like they were chased by a swarm of angry hornets. Yep- I'm that flailing freak. But I'm pretty used to making a complete ass of myself. I can totally appreciate nature and the wonders of the world- as long as they don't touch me. I wasn't totally thrilled about the water in my shoes either, but Allie didn't seem to mind.

So- aside from the nature- it was a nice nature walk!

This is why Mommy drinks...

2008-07-01T21:08:00.000-04:00

All kids are a handful. But I'm willing to bet any amount of money that my little Allie sure takes the cake. I also totally understand that children will embarass you in public at any moment.

So, I had to stop at my church this afternoon to pick up some things. Should have been a fairly quick stop except I had my kids with me. I ran into someone I knew outside and was chatting for a few minutes when I caught a quick look of horror on the woman's face I was talking too. I look down and there is my precious little Allie with a huge booger smeared across her face. And if that wasn't enough she had her face contorted in some sick way as she was trying to lick the booger off while picking her underwear out of her crotch. Are you getting a mental picture here? I just know that she'll grow up to be pretty and polite and graceful. Here's to hoping.

My life really isn't that interesting

2008-07-01T15:39:00.002-04:00

Ok- I get it. Blogging is cool. It's hip. It's all the rage.

I don't know why any of you would think I have anything that interesting to say that I'd need a blog to do it. But many of you have said that I've just got to do it. So in the interest of being cool and hip (because I am just that- hip and cool) I've taken the plunge.

I'm sure you'll all tune in regulary to read my babble and laugh at the shear chaos that is my life. Between my full time job, my husband (who is a full time job), and my darling children (who are the job that I had no idea what I was getting in to) I'm sure you'll enjoy!

TTFN!