I'd Like Something In Cotton Please....

I hate going to the doctors office- mainly because I have no patience and I tend to get really bored in about 5 seconds.

No matter when you appointment is or how crowded (or not) the office is- they always make you wait atleast 15 minutes after your scheduled time. The gyno office is the worst. It's a guarantee that you won't be seen for atleast 45 minutes which is absolutely, totally annoying. But I didn't have that kind of appointment this week. So I arrived a few minutes early because I like to be punctual. (Which is a waste since I'm going to have to wait anyway!).

The magazines always suck and the office has that weird creepy quietness that wigs me out. You spend the time pretending to read Family Circle and eavesdropping on what the staff is chatting about behind the glass.

So they call me in and walk me back to the exam room. Another waste of time!!! They always dump you in the tiny interrogation room with a paper "outfit" and tell you it will only be a minute. IT'S NEVER ONLY A MINUTE!!! And I swear their watching you threw an artifully placed stupid picture of a pot of flowers. Anyway- so you have to carefully put on your paper frock because it always rips in just the right place and then carefully get up on the table so you don't rip anything else. And then the waiting begins- again. Now- it may only be a few minutes that they leave you in the room, but I swear it feels like an internity. I read the same CPR poster and drug pamphlets over and over. At least at the pediatricians office they have toys to play with. If you're going to make me wait so long, make it a challenge for me- send me out to the waiting room with toys in my paper outfit.

So as I'm sitting there waiting and waiting and waiting- I'm getting hotter and hotter and hotter. When I get hot I sweat- like any normal human. And because I'm wearing a paper outfit it gets damp. You know what happens to toilet paper when it gets wet? Yep- here I am disintegrating away in my paper outfit. So you do what's natural- you wrap it a little tighter around your body so your parts aren't showing. And then that starts to disintegrate. It's a cruel game and the doctor always walks in when you have about one shred of paper covering your boobs and your granny panties hanging out.

I wonder what the doctor is really thinking when they smile and shake your hand and ask how you are. Clearly I'm not ok if I'm folded up like origami trying to keep my paper swan suit on.

It's always the same- 45 minutes of waiting for the doctor to look at you for 30 seconds and say "Yes- that's a rash." ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME????

And to top it all off- I swear- once you get dressed and take the walk of shame back to the reception area to schedule another appointment- as soon as you walk out the door to your car they all start talking about you. Now- I've spent a lot of time in the waiting room and I've never heard the staff ever talking about anyone that left before me- but I tend to think I'm just that heinous and they are talking about me.

I know it's retarded, but it's like the nail salon when all the Vietnamese ladies start chatting in their native language and start laughing- you KNOW their talking about you!